Conflicted
by GoDownWithThisShip
Summary: Remus wants nothing more than to love Lily. There's only one thing standing in his way. One of his best friends.
1. Shit

Remus buried his hands into the pocket of his trousers as he strode across the grounds and made his way into the castle. His neck ached and _Flesh-Eating Trees of the World _gave his bag the illusion of being filled with bricks. The fall breeze caused his messy light brown hair to fall into his eyes. He pushed the hair from his face a little too forcefully and a wound on his forearm cried out in pain against the cotton fabric of his collared shirt. He groaned. The day after his return from the monstrous world of being a werewolf was always the hardest. He had a migraine that caused him to squint whenever the sun danced from behind a cloud. The various gashes and bruises that littered his flesh made any form of movement unsavory. He couldn't visit the hospital wing. No. That would raise too many questions. He was thankful for his best friends though. He remembered how lonely his imprisonment in the "shrieking shack" was without them. He snorted, although they could be incredibly immature at times. An affectionate smile spread across his face as he recalled the scene in the greenhouse just an hour before.

"Oi, Prongs," Sirius whispered not bothering to hide the tone of mischief in his voice.

James looked up, "Padfoot if you don't shut up I will shove this Dragon dung down your throat."

Sirius sniggered, "If you don't get a move on, Lily's going to ask some other bloke to Slughorn's party"

"Will you keep your bloody voice down," James responded heatedly. He glanced over his shoulder. Lily was juicing Snargaluff pods, thankfully out of earshot.

"Should I call her over here?" Sirius raised his eyebrows. As he turned his attention to Lily, James took a fistful of Dragon feces and hurled it at Sirius.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Sirius shouted but he was only half angry. The playful light in his eyes and the full blown smile on his face was a dead give away. He scooped up a fistful of dung of his own and hurled it as hard as he could at James.

The expert seeker ducked and the dung hit an unsuspecting Peter Petigrew. Soon all three boys were engaged in a full blown dung hurtling battle. Their teacher immediately became involved and multiple house points were deducted. As added punishment, Peter, James, and Sirius were forced to stay after class and clean up the wreckage of their war.

Thus Remus was left to return to the castle by himself. He decided he would spend the rest of his midmorning alone as well. Perhaps he might visit the library and finish his potion's essay. Yes, this would be nearly impossible with the other marauders around. Now was the opportune moment.

The library was nearly empty and Remus chose a secluded table in the back of the room. He pulled out a piece of parchment, a quill, and his potion's text book. He flipped to the proper page and began to write. Soon he was immersed in his essay, he didn't notice a certain red-headed girl make her way across the library in his direction.

"Hey, Remus!" she said brightly, awakening him from his educational stupor.

He looked up and his cognitive train of thought came to a crashing halt. Lily Evans was leaning against a nearby bookshelf. She was clutching a copy of _Advanced Potion Making_ to her chest and smiling.

"Hey," he responded quietly. "How's it going?"

"It's going well. I see you're working on Slughorn's essay," she nodded to the parchment on the table that was covered in Remus's borderline illegible scrawl.

"Unfortunately," he sighed.

"You know he's having this party thing this weekend," she said shifting her weight.

Remus felt his heart stop for a split second. Was Lily _really _bringing up Slughorn's get together? Was she going to invite _him? _

"Yeah I know," he replied, trying his best to sound nonchalant.

"Well, he said we can bring a friend, so I was wondering if you wanted to go," she punctuated her statement with another stunning smile.

Every cell in his body screamed "Yes Lily! Yes I'd love to go to with you! I don't care

that you said the six letter F word! I don't care because I would be going with you! Spending time with you is a blessing I am so rarely granted!"

His mouth however was feeling rather rebellious that morning, "Erm, I don't know Lily."

She looked somewhat crest fallen, "Oh. Okay. It's fine, I can go ask someone else. I just-"

"It's not because I don't like you or anything!" Remus blurted out. He could feel the blood seeping into his cheeks, "It's just. Well. James really likes you Lily."

"He's foul," she said scathingly.

"He's a really nice guy if you give him a chance,"

"He's a weak, scared…_child. _He resorts to bullying those who are unable to defend themselves and I find it _repulsive._" her voice was acidic now.

"Lily, I'm really sorry," he had no idea why he was apologizing. He just felt that his mentioning of James had caused Lily to become upset. That was the last thing he ever wanted. To upset Lily.

She raised an eyebrow at him, "Please Remus, don't be sorry. It's fine anyway, I'll go ask Severus."

She turned on her heel and left the library quickly. Remus longingly stared after her. He didn't want to blink. He didn't want to forget the way her hair cascaded down her back or the way it caught the lamp light and glowed like embers. He exhaled and covered his face with his hands. "Shit.


	2. Divine

Remus went through the following days in a sort of zombie-like sate. He had passed up the opportunity he had been waiting for ever since the first he stepped aboard the Hogwart's Express. He had felt like a minnow swimming against a current of barracudas. The older students jostled him aside as he attempted to find a place to sit. Unfortunately all of the compartments were full. He felt loneliness wash over him as the other students called out to their friends.

As a child his parents had kept him under close watch due to the nature of his condition. Now, more than ever, he wished he was normal. He wished that he had someone to call a friend. He wanted someone to talk to, someone to laugh with. Perhaps even someone who would understand him and accept him for exactly what he was. Don't kid yourself, he thought sadly, nobody could ever accept a monster. He finally reached a compartment that would have been entirely empty if it had not been for the redheaded girl sitting beside the window. He slid open the door cautiously and she turned to face him. Her eyes were a placid shade of green and she smiled at him warmly.

"May I, erm, well everywhere's full and I was sort of wondering-" he stammered.

"If you could sit here?" she finished gently.

"Yeah," he replied smiling uneasily.

"Be my guest," she moved her bag off of the seat across from her so that he could sit down. He thanked her quietly and sat making sure to direct his attention to the countryside flying past the window.

They sat in silence for a while until she cautiously broke it by introducing herself as Lily Evans.

Remus turned his attention to her, "I'm Remus. Remus Lupin."

She smiled again and they continued to sit in silence. She pulled a book from her bag and began to read. He took the opportunity to get a better look at her. She had delicate facial features and long eyelashes. Her skin was the color of cream and her hair framed her angular face perfectly.

She glanced up at him and realized he was staring at her, "Is there something wrong with my face?" she asked raising a hand to brush away an imaginary smudge.

"No," he replied smiling.

How could he deny himself the opportunity he had been waiting for? The one five years in the making. Finally on Friday night he sat in his four poster bed flipping through a book but not really taking in any of the text. James burst into the dormitory and with him came a cloud of irritation and despair. Sirius was at his heels, loyalty was obviously not just a trait he had while in his animagus form.

James flopped down face first onto his bed and groaned. Sirius sat down cross-legged on his own bed and studied James. He looked almost as sad as James was.

"What happened?" Remus asked marking his place and closing the book.

James gave a reply which was muffled by his mattress and bedsheets. Sirius thew him a pitiful glance and then turned his attention to Remus, "Lily. Evans."

"Oh," Remus nodded and suddenly found a loose thread on his comforter to be incredibly exciting. He tugged at it and watched as the comforter slowly came apart, one stitch at a time.

"Yeah, erm, apparently she's taking Snivellus to Slughorn's thing tomorrow night," Sirius scratched the back of his head uneasily and shifted his focus back to James. "You alright mate?" he asked. His voice was more tender than usual.

James mumbled something completely ambiguous.

Remus checked his watch, 9:45. It was time for him to begin his rounds. He pulled on his cloak and pinned his prefect badge to it carefully.

"Officer Lupin reporting for duty," Sirius sniggered. James either chuckled or choked in response. The bedding made it difficult for Remus to tell for sure.

Remus casually saluted Sirius with his middle finger as he left the dorm. Sirius grinned and saluted him back proudly.

He found comfort in the solitude of an empty hallway illuminated solely by torch and moon light. He was able to think clearly without the interference of his fellow classmates. His feet kept a tranquil rhythm and his thoughts managed to keep in time. He had seen James only moments earlier, reduced to a pathetic lump in the dorm. James rarely ever showed signs of weakness like that. He really cares for her, Remus realized suddenly. Was he prepared to take something so valuable from one of his best friends? He exhaled forcefully and he felt a gash at his side protest bitterly. Dizziness washed over him, spreading from his temples and down into his legs. He slumped against a stone wall for support.

"You okay there, Remus?" someone asked nervously from behind him.

He was about to turn around to see who it was when his knees gave out and he slumped to the floor. All the blood seemed to abandon his brain. His injuries seemed to abruptly stop healing. In one synchronized moment, they all began to hurt. He should have gone to the fucking hospital wing. He cursed himself angrily.

A dark shape towered over him. They brought their face to his eye level. He immediately recognized the pale face, framed by burning red hair, and embellished with glittering green eyes.

"Remus, we need to get you to the hospital wing," Lily said. He could hear the panic in her voice. He wanted to stand up and reassure her that he was indeed okay and was in no immediate need of assistance. He wanted to convince her that he was masculine. The alpha male.

However he couldn't do any of those things. He sat against the wall. His head rolled back and he felt the cool stones against the back of it. He tried to will himself to say _something _but he couldn't.

"Remus! Remus, oh God look at me," both of her hands were on either side of his face. If he had any strength within him he would have smiled at her. "You're bleeding!" her words sent a shock through him. He was bleeding? He looked down and sure enough, blood was soaking through his white school uniform shirt. He groaned. Had he really forgotten to change the bandage this morning? Had he really neglected to check and make sure his wound was healing okay? Obviously it wasn't. Lily grazed the red splotch with the tips of her fingers and Remus winced. She immediately apologized, "Oh God Remus," she was staring at his face now, trapped between both of her hands. Her expression was unreadable. There was a little bit of worry and dismay. There was definitely something else though.

Jesus Christ Remus stop kidding yourself, he scolded himself angrily.

"Come on let's get you up," Lily helped him to his feet. His side protested violently and he nearly doubled over in pain. She helped him limp along the corridors. He had an arm wrapped around her shoulder for support. Her arm was wrapped gently but securely around his waist in order to keep him upright. He had never been this close to her. Even though he was on the verge of passing out, he enjoyed every moment of their walk/limp to the hospital wing. At one point he rested his chin on the top of her head and just breathed in her scent. Other girls smelled like fruits or flowers. Lily Evans smelled lovely. There was no other way to describe it. She didn't seem to smell of anything earthly. She smelled divine. She was divine


	3. Not a Monster

_A giant wolf snarled at a large black dog. The dog growled warningly and assumed a defensive stance. Both animals sprang at each other. There was the sound of the ripping of flesh, and the cracking of bone. Each beast was keen on killing the other. Finally a gallant stag stepped in and rammed the dog against a nearby wall with it's massive antlers. The dog yelped once and shrunk away from the room. The stag turned its attention back to the wolf which was laying pathetically on it's side whimpering. The stag nudged the wolf tenderly with its antlers and the wolf growled hostly in response. The stag backed off and followed the dog out of the room._

He was sitting on the edge of the lake without the slightest recollection of how he got there. The sun was shining idly and his gray eyes soaked it up enthusiastically. He noticed a certain red head walking along the shore just a few yards away. He stood up and called to her. She turned, smiled at him, and began walking toward him. He noted the subtle way her hips swayed back and forth. She was wearing a short summer dress and her pale skin appeared to glow under the hot radiation of the sun. She greeted him with a hug and Remus swore he could smell the scent of her hair.

_Even though I'm dreaming, _he reminded himself sadly. He instinctively brushed a stray strand of her hair out of her face. She blinked once and then laughed. He couldn't help it. He found laughter bubbling up within him. He began to chuckle too. He was trapped in this melancholy limbo and he _enjoyed _it. _Hopefully I'll never wake up._

She took his hand and they began to walk along the edge of the lake. The water was still and did not lap up onto the bank. It was an eternally still body of water. The depths were masked by the mirror like surface. They walked in silence for a while until Lily finally spoke in a soft voice that bordered on a whisper, "We're so worried about you Remus. Please wake up."

He smiled sadly and looked down at her. Her eyes were full of fear and worry. "No," he responded softly.

She let go of his hand. She looked like she was on the verge of tears, "Remus! Please, you have to try to wake up."

He pulled her into a close hug and she began to cry softly into his chest. "You don't understand," he whispered into her hair, "I'm happy here. I don't have to fear what I am. I'm here with you. There's nothing to keep me from you. There's no sickness, no James, no anything."

With his last words he felt himself choke up. Is that what this had come to? How could he feel such anger toward his best friend. _Because he's keeping the best thing that could ever happen to me away from me, _he answered himself heatedly, _if he really cared about me he would let us be together!_

_If I was a good friend, I would let them be together._

"He's worried about you," a small voice choked against him.

He pulled back and held Lily out at arm's length. Although there were tears falling freely down her cheeks, her eyes were not red and puffy. Her cheeks were not blotchy. She looked exactly like Lily, only with a few tears collected on her lashes and streaming down her cheeks. She was only a shell. She could never _replace _Lily. She would always respond how he imagined Lily to respond. There would be no surprises. No genuine spontaneity. _I can't even imagine her crying properly for God's sake._

"How bad is it?" he asked.

She returned his question with a puzzled look, "How bad is what?"

"My condition. How bad is it?"

She wiped a few stray tears from her eyes, "You've got a few broken ribs. A TON of open wounds all over the place. Honestly, a lot of them were starting to get infected and there was quite a bit of blood loss. Remus what were you thinking?" She sounded like she was going to cry again.

He let go of her shoulders and stepped away from her. If he had done so much damage to himself, imagine what he could have done to his friends. Imagine what he could do to her if he ever lost control. He was a monster. He sunk to his knees. For the first time he was fully aware of how horrible his condition was.

"Remus please just wake up."

His eyes shot open and were immediately ambushed by darkness. Gone was the lake and the sunshine. All that was left was the void that surrounded him.

"Remus?" a timid voice alerted him that he was not alone.

He made to site up but a pair of ghostly white hands firmly held him down. "Lumos" the voice whispered. Lily Evans was illuminated by a phantom-like blue light radiating from her wand. Her green eyes were wide and her lips were ajar. She was in shock.

"Lily? What are you doing here?" he groaned. He felt a dull ache all over his body which was intensified near his rib cage. He could nearly breathe.

"Remus you've been asleep for three days, and patrolling the corridors at night is a rather tiresome job, and well I guess I just wanted to check up on you," she blurted out. Her cheeks darkened. It was difficult to tell with the dull wandlight but Remus was sure that she was blushing.

"Don't worry about it," he said, meaning to wave her off but a sharp tearing pain in his upper arm caused him to stop. He looked at it. A dark cloud of blood was beginning to form beneath his crisp white pajama shirt. He noticed a pile of fresh bandages on the bedside table and moved to grab one. Lily stopped him again.

"I've got it," she whispered and pulled a bandage from the pile. Remus stared at her. His expression must have betrayed his inner confusion because Lily blushed again. "You can't move too much or you're going to reopen all of your wounds.

Remus nodded. He unbuttoned his shirt and carefully slid his arm out so that Lily could tend to it.

"Why was I out? Do you know?" he asked.

"Well, Madam Pomfrey said a few of your wounds got very infected and your body tried to fight off the infection itself and sort of just. . .shut down," she replied. She was focused on cleaning his wound. It stung but Remus didn't mention that.

They sat in silence for a while until Lily suddenly stopped wrapping the bandage around his arm. "How did you manage to mangle yourself so badly?"

Remus froze. He hadn't told anyone except his friends and the headmaster about his sickness. Naturally most of the Hogwart's staff knew since he missed classes so frequently. Could he trust Lily? He scanned her face and saw nothing except worry. "I'm, well erm, I'm a. . .werewolf," he stammered.

Her facial expression changed into an unreadable emotion. She returned her attention back to his wound, "that isn't a very funny thing to joke about Remus."

"I'm not joking," he said sternly, "not very many people know about it. But, yeah. I'm a werewolf. That's how I got so fucked up. I got into a little fight with Sirius a few nights ago. You know why? He tried to move in on a dead rat I was eating. A dead fucking rat Lily. I almost killed my best friend over a fucking rat." He choked and looked away. He couldn't face Lily right now. He was inches from crying.

She took his hand in both of hers and squeezed it. "Remus, you are not a monster. You are the nicest boy I know. You are not your condition. It may be a part of you, but never let it consume you."

"It's not a condition it's a disease." He was crying freely now.

He felt her arms around him suddenly. She was leaning over the side of his bed, hugging him. "You are _not _a monster," she whispered. Her breath tickled his ear


	4. A Glimmer of Hope

A few painfully long days later, Remus was discharged from the Hospital Wing. He was mostly healed. The only thing that remained from his injuries were a few scars. _The more the merrier. _

It felt great to stretch his legs and walk down the corridors. He was an introverted person, but he enjoyed the buzz in the atmosphere when others were around. He made his way to the Gryffindor common room. He was eager to horse around with his friends again. The minute the portrait of the fat lady swung open he felt the tension in the room flood out. He climbed through the portrait hole. The common room was almost as quiet as the library on a Saturday afternoon. There was also a definite line of segregation. On one side of the common room sat a group of girls in his year. He spotted Lily immediately. She was scribbling down some homework. She looked up and held his gaze for a bit, smiled, and quickly resumed her homework. The rest of the girls sized him up.

"Hey, Moony! Over here." called Pettigrew. The girls scowled at him as he turned to join his friends on the other side of the common room. James was slumped in one of the crimson arm chairs. His arms were folded across his lap and a scowl was etched into his face. Sirius was sitting cross legged with his back against a wall next to the armchair. He was studying James intently and frowning slightly. He obviously didn't like James's awful mood. Sirius took a seat next to Pettigrew on a couch opposite James.

"What's with you?" Remus asked James. He did not reply. He didn't even attempt to move.

"Lily again," Sirius muttered.

"They had a row," Pettigrew piped up. James glared at him and Pettigrew immediately began to scan the rug at his feet. James returned his attention to the red head across the room.

"What about?" Remus asked.

"Apparently, I'm not a _real _man like good ole Snivelus is," James responded scathingly. He turned to Remus, his expression was severe.

"James I think you're going about this the wrong way," Remus said seriously.

"There are bigger fish in the sea. Don't get your knickers in a knot over a guppy," Sirius sniggered.

James shot him an angry look and got to his feet. He looked like he was ready to attack Sirius. "James. You look like you could use a walk," Remus said standing up. It wasn't a suggestion. It was a command. Usually James was the one to call the shots. He was the top dog. The alpha male. Remus was surprised that he nodded and followed him out of the common room.

They made their way out of the castle and onto the grounds. "I don't understand her," James said stuffing his hands into his pockets and looking out across the lake. They were standing in the shade of a tree and looking out on the water. It hadn't been still and reflective like it had been in his dream, but Remus still found the lake to be beautiful.

"I'm going to be honest here James. If you were a complete ogre to one of my best friends and then expected me to like you, I'd be a little bit pissed off," Remus said. Half of his mind was here with James, the other half was recalling his dream. _She was walking just there. The sun made her look so damn angelic._

"You'd be an ogre too if some muggle hating ass hole tried to take the love of your life away from you," James muttered.

"You don't know that for sure. Like Sirius said there are other fish in the sea-"

"Remus. I am going to marry that girl one day," James turned to him. The anger had left his voice and left only pain in its wake, "I _love _her. Okay. Don't ask me how I know. It just feels _right._"

Once again, a wave of guilt washed over Remus. _This is why I can't do it. James REALLY loves her._ He balled up his fists at his sides. _But I really love her too. I may not be ready to jump into marriage, but God damn it, I love Lily Evans._

"You alright?" James must have noticed Remus suddenly tense up.

"I'm fine,"

"Hey," James put a hand on Remus's shoulder, "thanks for calming me down."

"No problem," Remus managed to smile.

"What about you mate? I feel like a little bitch. You know unloading my issues on you. What's bothering you?"

_Oh nothing. Just madly in love with a girl who I can't have because my best friend wants to marry her. _"Issues? I don't do issues," he attempted to laugh but it crumbled the minute it left his lips. James raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

They stood watching the sun begin to set behind the mountains. "You know," James said thoughtfully, "we really missed you these past few days."

Remus smiled, "Taking notes in History of Magic isn't as easy as I make it look, huh?"

"Oh yes! We were all _so _lost without your brilliant studious expertise!" James fawned sarcastically.

The boys laughed and Remus felt a bit better. At least there was conviction behind his laughter. Finally they returned to the castle and headed directly to the great hall to eat.

Later that evening Remus found himself patrolling the corridors as usual. Nothing ever happened. The only people who ever really broke any curfew rules were his friends, and even he could do nothing about that. Suddenly he noticed a separate tempo of footsteps intervening with his own. He paused and turned around. Lily was walking toward him smiling her usual brilliant, toothy smile. He genuinely smiled back.

"Look who's back in action!" she giggled playfully.

"Yeah," he paused, not really knowing what to say, and finally asked, "what are you doing here?"

"Oh come on," Lily scoffed, "you don't expect me to hang around the third floor forever. I wanna get in on all the action!"

Remus shook his head. Another smile had crept up to his lips. "I'm sorry to disappoint you, Lily. There's nothing interesting going on here either."

"Damn." The began to walk down the corridor together.

"Won't you get into trouble for this?" Remus asked.

"What? Abandoning my 'post'?" she scoffed. "Please. I doubt Dippet would notice. Even if he did I _highly _doubt he would care."

"Ah. True."

"Are you feeling better Remus?" she asked quietly.

"Yes I am. Thank you for asking."

"Good." They walked in a comfortable silence for a while. Remus occasionally took the opportunity to study Lily without her noticing.

"Can you attempt to talk some sense into James?" she asked suddenly.

Remus frowned at her, "I can try, but he is pretty crushed."

"Thanks. It's just a few of my good friends aren't talking to me right now. I guess they _fancy _ the idiot or something. I just don't want our. . .turmoils to ruin my friendships," she explained.

"Ah. I don't mean to pry, but you do fancy Snape. Right?" he asked casually.

Lily stopped walking. She seemed a lot more tense all of a sudden. "I do not _fancy _him. We are just friends. I love him. Just, not in the way you're thinking."

Remus felt a sudden elation rip through his nervous system. _You have a chance!_ He grinned. "Well who _do _you fancy?"

She opened her mouth to speak but shut it firmly. "I'm not telling you," she said matter of factly.

"Really? As I recall I _did _tell you my deepest darkest secret. Compared to that a little crush should be no problem."

"I don't want to talk about it okay?" her voice had an edge to it and Remus decided to back off.

"I'm sorry I asked," he said apologetically and they continued walking. His heart was beating twice as fast as it should have been. _I have a chance! _

That night he lay in bed with his hands behind his head studying the ceiling. His mind was constantly fighting itself. On one hand he had his friendship with James. On the other he had Lily, the girl who had understood him almost from the moment they had met. One thing he had not let his mind strike down was the fact that he _did _have a chance


	5. Decisions Decisions

"YOU'RE GOING TO REGRET EVER COMING TO THIS FUCKING SCHOOL SNIVELUS!" Remus heard shouting coming from the courtyard. He had been doing his post dinner prefect rounds when a ruckus had drawn his attention. He hurried quietly down the corridor and strategically stood behind a pillar where the people in the courtyard could not see him. It was Sirius, James, and Severus. All three had their wands drawn. Sirius's nose was bleeding and James had a gash on his face. Severus seemed almost untouched, however his breathing was heavy and he clutched his left side.

"Potter. You worthless excuse for a human being. Lower your wand or you'll spend the rest of the term in a bed in the hospital wing. Sect-"

"STUPEFY!" Sirius shouted at the top of his lungs. Snape was thrown backwards and hit the far wall of the courtyard. He slid pathetically to the ground and lay in a motionless heap.

James began walking toward him but Sirius grabbed his arm quickly. "Leave him alone, now," he murmured softly. Both boys fled the scene. Remus paused a moment before stepping out of the shadows and hurrying over to the motionless body lying motionless on the ground.

"Come on now Severus," he wrapped one arm around Snape's shoulders and attempted to lift him off the ground with the other. Severus slapped him away.

"Get your _filthy _hands off me," he muttered, weakly getting to his feet. He limped away toward the hospital wing leaving Remus standing in the middle of the deserted courtyard.

A few days later, Remus found himself walking down a deserted corridor on his way to the library. He had more than enough homework to keep him busy during his free time. He heard raised voices and as he rounded the corner, his eyes came to rest upon two figures arguing heatedly. He couldn't quite make out their faces, but from their voices and their appearances, he knew it was Lily and James.

"-Why do you have to be suck a moron?" Lily screamed at the top of her lungs.

"Why do _you _have to be such a moron?" James countered, "Snivelus could NEVER like you. As far as love you. . .don't get your hopes up Love."

"Shut UP. You're just an immature bully. You're not getting what you want so you're lashing out at the ONE person who you think is standing in your way. You are so wrong James Potter. SO. WRONG!" Her voice cracked a little toward the end of her sentence. Remus knew she was on the verge of tears. He recalled the dream Lily, how the tears fell but her face remained flawless. He longed to run to her. He wanted to comfort her, assure her that James was being unreasonable, but most of all he wanted to see every imperfection on her face. He wanted to see her cheeks flushed and her eyes puffy and red. It was the little things about her that drew him in. He secretly wondered if she was in fact divine and did not have petty problems such as looking hideous while crying.

_Lily's incapable of looking hideous._

"You know what Lily? I'm done looking out for you. I'm done trying to warn you that your so-called 'best friend' is one of the biggest muggle haters I've ever had the displeasure of knowing." James's voice interrupted Remus's thoughts.

"You don't _know _him James. How can you jump to all these conclusions just because he's Slytherin."

"It's not _just _because he's Slytherin LILY! It's because I heard that he called you the 'm-word' and I swear to God I will make him regret his very existence-"

"James!" Lily cried out, "You're being unreasonable and dramatic. Whatever happened between Severus and I is clearly none of your business. Why don't you go back to plotting your juvenile attempts at making his life a living hell? Why don't you go back to deciding whether or not to shag Margaret-"

"SHUT UP! I don't want to shag _anyone, _Lily. If you haven't noticed my fancies are a little bit tied up with someone. Someone who _obviously _doesn't return the feeling. I don't even know why we're having this conversation."

Remus could hear James's retreating footsteps and all that was left was silence and the sound of Lily sniffling quietly. He worked up the courage to walk toward her.

"Lily," he said quietly.

To his surprise she turned to him with intense anger in her eyes. Her face was contorted into some form of agony. "How can _you _call that boy your friend?" she spat.

He froze. Why was Lily angry with _him? _He had done nothing wrong. "What?" he asked dumbly.

"How can you stand by and watch him treat Severus so horribly Remus? Why have you never stood up to him?"

Remus stared at her. He absorbed every inch of her face. The way her expression was contorted into both anger and pain. There were still tears streaming from the corners of her eyes and her cheeks were becoming more and more red. Her hair was slightly awry and a strand had fallen into her eyes. He had the sudden urge to brush it away.

"You don't even know why?" she hissed.

"He's a very loyal and very good friend to me, Lily," he said quietly. "He's been there for me when no one else was."

"_I'm here for you. _You don't need to associate yourself with someone so _vile."_

_I'm here for you._

_I have a chance._

Somehow the stakes were raised. It wasn't a possibility that he would lose his best friend by acknowledging his love for Lily. It was a fact. The little voice inside his head screamed at him. _REMUS WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THIS IS YOUR CHANCE._

_I'm here for you._

_I have a chance_


	6. What Took You So Bloody Long?

Remus avoided _everyone _that week. He purposefully opted to patrol hallways on the other side of the castle so as to be as far from Lily as possible. He went to bed late so that he would not have to converse with his dorm mates. He rose early so that he could leave and eat breakfast before any of them had even changed clothes. He spent his breaks in the library away from the rest of the student body. Finally Saturday came around and he had felt more tired than he had all term. He checked the clock on his bedside table. Six AM. He rolled over and groaned. He wanted to lay in the oasis that was the warm space between his comforter and mattress forever.

He forced himself to sit up and he stretched. He quickly changed and hurried downstairs. The common room would have been deserted if it hadn't been for the single boy slumped in a crimson armchair in front of the fire. It was James. He held a mug of what appeared to be coffee in his hands and it was teetering dangerously to the verge of spilling all over the hearth rug.

Remus made his way over and gently removed the mug from danger. James's eyes snapped open, he was alert. When they fell on Remus's, they softened and he smiled. "Where the hell have you been?" he asked with a playful tone of irritation.

"Around," Remus mumbled in response and he sunk into the armchair next to James's.

"I stayed up all night waiting to talk to you, but now I'm so bloody tired I can't remember what I was going to say." James thew back his head and laughed. Remus felt a pang of admiration toward his friend and James continued, "I've got a deathly pain in my neck now, and for once it isn't Wormtail."

Both boys laughed. Remus sat quietly examining the logs burning loyally in the fire place. Wasn't this what he had wanted all along? A friend who would sit beside him joking amicably as if he was a normal human being. A friend who actually _made _him feel normal. His entire childhood had been spent alone, and now here was this boy who was exactly what he had yearned for. Hell, he even had multiple friends thanks to James. He had Sirius, and Pettigrew, and all the other casual acquaintances that came with hanging out with the "cool" kids at school.

_But what about a girl. Such soft creatures. Someone to hold. Someone to share tender, intimate moments. _

He folded his arms over his chest and frowned. He was getting tired of this internal conflict.

"I'm hungrier than that chubby second year on a diet," James voiced. Remus laughed at his friend and they both stood up. "Do they even serve breakfast this bloody early?" James asked.

Remus snorted, "Surprisingly, the entire student body doesn't sleep in 'til noon James."

They laughed again. Each time they laughed Remus felt as if his soul was being cleansed. It was such a refreshing feeling. There seemed to be no problems going on, no internal conflicts, and especially no guilt.

When they reached the great hall his eyes immediately fell upon a head of red hair hiding behind today's issue of _The Daily Prophet. _

_Oh good lord._

He sat down with James as far away from this person as possible. Both were struggling not to look in her direction, each for his own reasons. James piled some eggs and sausage onto his plate and began to scarf them down hungrily. Remus however, had suddenly lost his appetite. He sipped his coffee and stared off into the distance. A few minutes passed. James had settled down and began to eat like a normal human being as opposed to a starving predator. Remus had selected a piece of toast, but the minute he put it in his mouth he experienced the sensation of eating sandpaper. He gave up and put the toast back on his plate.

"What are we gonna do today?" James asked casually although his voice had an irritated edge to it.

"Not sure. I was going to go to the library and get some studying done."

James nodded and the silence resumed. "When's our next party animal session?" he finally asked quietly.

Remus shrugged. "Next week maybe. 'Round Wednesday I figure."

"Excellent. I need a little break from the usual grind of things now and again."

_So it's just a break for you? A way to unwind and relax? Well guess what James, that's the hardest time of the month for me. Don't you __**get **__it? _

"Hey, mate, are you okay?" James waved a hand in front of Remus's face. "I was only joking. You just spaced out there for a second."

Remus looked up at him, "I should head off to the library. I'll see you later." He got up. He could hear James protesting somewhere behind him but he didn't care. _Oh God here it comes. The internal conflict._

He just kept walking. He didn't even care about where he was going. _As long as I'm alone and able to think properly without being bothered. I'll be fine._

He reached an abandoned corridor. He sat down on a windowsill and looked out on the grounds. He wasn't aware of how much time had passed but his mental struggle was broken up by a sweet voice, "Remus. Have you been ignoring me?"

He looked up. Of course. Lily Evans was standing uneasily next to him. She was tugging at the end of a strand of her hair and biting her lower lip.

"No," he lied, "I've just had a lot on my mind."

"May I sit down?" she asked. He nodded. She took a seat across from him. He turned his attention back to the view outside the window. He wasn't absorbing any of it. His mind was focused on the girl sitting across from him. "It was wrong of me to make you choose," she said.

He turned to her. She smiled at him weakly. He frowned and rested his forehead against the glass. "I can't choose Lily. No one could make me choose. He's my best friend. I know he can be a complete ass half the time, but the other half..well he's not half bad, okay?"

She nodded understandingly. "I was just upset," she said, "I wasn't thinking properly at all and," she stopped and looked down, "well, I dunno, I guess, I just like you a lot."

Without thinking he leaned over, cupped her chin in his hands, and raised her face to his. "Lily, since the very first time I met you on the Hogwart's Express, I've been wishing for you to say that. What took you so bloody long?" They moved in at the exact same time and their lips brushed together softly.

An electric current flowed through every single nerve in Remus's body. It felt like his limbs were slowly going numb. Her lips curled into a smile halfway through and he stopped kissing her. He rested his forehead against hers and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, pulling her closer to him.

"I've been wishing you would kiss me since that one time you sat next to me in Potions because Pettigrew was sick. What took you so bloody long?"

They both laughed softly. Lily scooted closer to Remus and put her head on his chest. He rested his head on the top of hers and allowed himself to absorb the smell of her hair. He was surprised at the flowery scent that greeted him. It didn't have the same divinity that he had imagined. _No. It doesn't. It doesn't because she's not divine. She's Lily Evans. She's completely human._

_And that's what I adore about her_


	7. The Morning After

**Author's note: (Wait what?) Yeah, hey. Sorry I've been missing for a really long time. I just haven't had the time to update. Well here it is! Thank you for all the reviews, seriously, knowing that people actually read my story makes writing fan fiction worth while. Thank you.**

Remus lay in his four post bed staring at the ceiling. A million thoughts raced in and out of his mind. When he tried to focus in on one and catch it, it slipped through is fingers. He rolled over on his side hoping to find sleep, but the thoughts followed him and it made him unable to get comfortable. Two feelings that stuck out were the lifting sensation of euphoria. The other was the sinking feeling of guilt. Would his emotions be forever caught in a balancing act? Would every happy moment be tinged with an underlying tone of betrayal?

_Only when Lily is involved. So that's it then? I just find someone else? I can't just turn around and start to love someone out of the blue. Especially right now. I'm so absorbed with her. She's pretty much all I think about! Maybe right now isn't the best time. Maybe I should wait until James is over her and onto the next. And what, what if that NEVER happens?_

He began to feel tired, both mentally and physically. He assumed the fetal position and wished so badly that his thoughts would somehow leak from his ear and get absorbed into his pillow. The following day the house elves would wash his sheets and his conflicting thoughts would finally be gone.

Somehow he managed to fall asleep. When he awoke the next morning the dorm was quiet. James and Peter had apparently gone down for breakfast already. He sat up and his eyes caught ahold of Sirius sitting cross-legged on his bed he was reading a book.

"You're up early," Remus teased.

Sirius looked up and closed the cover of the book and snorted, "You mean you're up late."

Remus rolled over and grabbed his wristwatch from the bedside table. It was almost one in the afternoon.

"Bloody hell," he grumbled and rubbed his eyes.

"What's it like?" Sirius asked quietly.

Remus turned his attention back to his friend, "What?"

Sirius inhaled, held the air within his lungs for a few moments and exhaled closing his eyes, "What's it like to be completely mad about someone you can't have?"

Remus froze for a second. He clenched his fists against his bed and gathered the sheets in between his fingers. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Sirius sat up and approached Remus's bed and leaned against one of the posts, "You've been really distant lately. I suspected girl problems since you're generally pretty even-keel. You got in late last night Remus. Later than usual. I suspected you had finally resolved whatever shit you had going on with her. Naturally I expected you to be excited, to wake up and tell us all about it. You haven't."

Remus stared wide-eyed at Sirius for a moment, "How could you possibly pick up all those signs? Unless-"

Sirius squinted at him, "Unless what?"

"You're going through the same thing!" Remus sat up straight.

Sirius scoffed, "Really mate? We've been friends for what? Six or Seven years now? I'm sorry I can tell when something's up." He obviously saw the confused look on Remus's face. "Yeah, okay. I saw you snogging Lily last night."

Remus stood up quickly. "You were **spying** on me?"

Sirius shrugged, "I was on my way down to the kitchens. I heard talking. Went to investigate. BAM you snogging Lily."

Remus grabbed Sirius's arm, "You can't tell anyone okay? Not Peter, and sure as hell not James."

Sirius grinned, "Don't worry Mooney, your secret's safe with me." He patted Remus's shoulder and walked past him to go down to the common room.

Remus sank back into his bed. _What the hell was I thinking? Oh God. Now Sirius knows. I don't think he'd purposefully tell James, but when push comes to shove, he's loyal as hell. I doubt his loyalty toward me is anything compared to his loyalty toward James._

He buried his face in his hands. If only he could transform right here, right now. Everything was **so **much simpler as a wolf. He didn't have love and he sure as hell didn't have a conscience. He sat there for a few moments before he decided that it was all out of his hands now. He would have to act natural. He changed into a sweater and jeans and was on his way to leaving the dormitory when a sudden thought possessed him. Sirius doesn't read. What on earth could he have possibly been reading?

He turned and made his way over to his friend's bed. He picked up the book that was laying there and instantly realized it wasn't a book at all. It was a photo album. He opened the cover and the first picture was of James and Sirius clad in twin Gryffindor quidditch uniforms. They were both laughing and exchanging high fives. He shut the cover and replaced the book back on the bed.

He didn't want to go to the great hall. Instead he decided to take a walk around the grounds. The grass was still damp as he strolled down the lawn. He stared off into the distance and saw the Whomping Willow. He stuffed his hands into his pockets. Only three more days until the full moon and already he was feeling drained and irritable. Something told him that it had nothing to do with his condition. He continued walking until his was on the edge of the lake. He stared off into its depths. His mind was drowning. He just wanted to get away. He kneeled to pick up a stone and he hurtled it as far as it would go toward the center of the lake. It skipped a few times and then sunk into the blackness


	8. Full Moon and Visitors

_An electric current shot up the wolf's spine. He turned on the stag and growled menacingly. The stag took a step back and assumed a defensive position. The large black dog leapt between the two facing the wolf and growling. A blinding white rage boiled up from the bowels of the wolf and it let out a howl. The dog howled in response._

His mind switched focus at a dizzying rate. His hands were tangled in a mess of curly auburn hair. His lips were moving against hers causing warmth to rise up from the very coldest parts of himself. He wanted to stay here. He wanted to stay here with her and let everything else drown out.

But he couldn't. Reality frightened off his fantasies and nightmares and he found himself laying in a cot and staring at the ceiling. The room was pitch black but his eyes managed to adjust slowly. He tried to sit up but a sharp pain erupted from his side and he laid down, defeated. "You okay, mate?" someone said softly to his right.

Remus turned to face them. He could barely make out the fuzzy facial features because of the darkness but he could tell it was James. Remus buried his eyes into his palms in order to set his thoughts straight. "James what the hell happened during the transformation?"

James snorted, "Well you may or may not have lost control and then you may or may not have proceeded to try and kill me," he said lightly.

Remus rolled over so that he could see James properly, and completely forgetting about the pains in his sides. He groaned and James stood up and gently pushed him back to his original position. "You can't be doing that. According to the nurse you've got a bunch of broken ribs and bleeding and stuff."

"James, I am so sorry. I have no idea what came over me. I didn't mean to hurt you," Remus began apologizing but James cut him off.

"Last time I checked, you're the one in the hospital bed. Not me. I'm fine, Remus. Don't worry about it. I'm not expecting you to turn into a teddy bear every month."

Remus couldn't help but laugh. It was another one of those deep, comforting laughs that only James could deliver. His insides screamed in protest. He really did a number on himself this time. He cringed and James moved to help him get comfortable again. Just then they heard footsteps approaching from the hall.

"Well, gotta run," James whispered. He thew his invisibility cloak on and vanished from sight. Remus's tense limbs relaxed. The nurse gave him a remedy for the pain and in a few moments he was asleep again.

His dreams raced between flashes of his time as a werewolf and his desires for Lily. Each time he tried to hold onto her and each time she was ripped from him as his mind carried on. His erratic mind was incapable of keeping track of time in its current state. When he finally awoke again he had no idea what day it was. A small collection of offerings had been placed at the foot of his bed. He sat up, relieved at the absence of pain, and crawled over to investigate.

There was a variety of candy, a selection of get-well cards, and a small bouquet of wild flowers. He picked up the bouquet and examined each specimen. They were wild flowers. He lifted them to his nose and took a whiff. Their scent was delicate but sweet. There was a card attached to the flowers and he examined it.

_Remus,_

_ You always seem to be injuring yourself. I sincerely hope you are doing well. Classes and corridor patrols are significantly more BORING without you. Heal up soon!_

_ Lily_

His heart skipped a beat and his lips pulled into an effortless smile. He lifted the flowers to his noose once more in order to memorize their scent before replacing the bouquet and taking his pick of candy.

As he sat cross-legged on the cot, he began to think. Why was he so violent in wolf form these days? In the beginning the marauders generally had a decent time while in animal form. What changed? Why was everything so hostile now? _It's me that's hostile, _Remus realized. _I resent James for being the one person who's standing in my way. Lily and I would BE together right now if it weren't for James. _He clenched his jaw. James was ruining everything.

_No he's not. You're ruining everything. You just had to develop feelings for a girl who your best friend just so happens to fancy._

It honestly did not matter who was ruining what. The fact was, Remus had attacked James unprovoked. He could have killed his best friend over something so trivial as a girl. He was more sensible than this. Where was the Remus who made decisions with the power of logic? He didn't like the feeling of being completely vulnerable to his emotions.

He began to feel drowsy. He placed the half eaten box of Bertie Bott's beans on his bedside table and laid back to take a quick nap.

_The wolf and the dog collided. The wolf was lean and quick but the dog had brute force on its team. Teeth gnashed against skin, but ultimately the wolf was thrown against the far wall. The decaying wood gave way and the wolf fell through into the adjacent room. Blood was trickling from its right nostril and its breathing became labored. The dog approached and licked its face but the wolf made no move to attack. The dog whimpered and nudged the wolf's abdomen causing the wolf to let out a pained howl. The dog recoiled, and turned to scamper away._

Remus's eyelids slid open. The sun was going down and it cast a pinkish glow into the hospital wing. He sat up and realized he had a visitor. Sirius was slouched in a visitor's chair next to his bed.

"You're an idiot, Mooney," Sirius mumbled, combing a hand through his messy black hair.

Remus nodded, "I know and I'm really sorry-" he began.

"You could have seriously hurt him!" Sirius said sharply, "You could have seriously hurt me."

"I'm a werewolf, _Sirius._" Remus hissed. He could feel anger spreading through his veins like poison.

"I know _that," _Sirius stood up to lean closer to Remus. His irises were seemingly endless pits into his skull. "I expect you to get a little rowdy sometimes. You can't help it. It's in your _nature. _But usually, a little nip here, a little wrestling there and you're completely back to normal. What was it about this time? What made you fly off the handle?"

Remus could feel hopelessly angry tears stinging his eyes. He blinked once to clear them. Sirius pulled back and sat back down. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, looking down.

"I endangered James. If you had somehow managed to do the same to Lily I would have beat you to a pulp too," Remus replied softly.

Sirius raised his head, "You..you know?" he said in a disbelieving tone.

Remus nodded, "You and I know all to well that we can't simply choose who we want to fall in love with. These things just happen.


	9. Liberated

Remus sat in the common room staring at the roaring fire place. It was almost midnight and almost everyone had cleared out. It had been a few days since his discharge from the hospital wing and he had been avoiding Lily as much as possible. He knew that he could not keep it up any longer. He could not live with the conflicts inside of him. He heard footsteps coming down the dormitory stairs. He knew it was her without even turning around. She sat down beside him and he could feel her eyes studying his face but he could not bring himself to meet them.

"Lily, I want you to understand something before I start to talk," he said quietly, "I love you. I have always loved you." He swallowed uneasily. How was he going to say this?

She put a hand gently on his arm. "What's the matter, Remus?" she whispered.

"I can't be with you," he turned to face her and immediately regretted it. Her green eyes were wide and the tears were starting to set in within them.

"Remus, I don't care about your condition. I already told you!" her voice was breaking down, just like her composure.

He reflexively pulled her into a hug. He couldn't bear it. He couldn't bear to see her so upset. "Lily it's not that. It's not you. It's not even me."

"I don't understand," her tears were soaking into the collar of his. He stroked her hair. _This could be the last time I get the opportunity to hold her like this_, he thought sadly.

He pulled her closer and whispered into her hair, "I don't either. But if everything works out in the end, we will be together. Right now, it's just not the right time. You have no idea how badly I wish it was." His own tears were blurring his vision.

She pulled away from him and they looked at each other. They studied each other's facial features, he would occasionally wipe away her tears and she would wipe away his. At last she managed to smile, lean over and give him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Good night, Remus," she said.

"Good night," he replied.

The next morning Remus went to breakfast early. He sat at the Gryffindor table nursing a mug of coffee and nibbling at some sausages. He was soon joined by Sirius.

"Good morning," his friend greeted him.

"Good morning," Remus replied.

"Have you talked to Lily at all?" Sirius asked pouring himself some coffee.

"I did actually," Remus put down his fork. He put his trembling hands in his lap.

"And?"

"We agreed that now is not the time."

They sat in silence for a moment. "Hey, at least you have a _chance _at being with the one you love right?" Sirius said smiling glumly.

"True," Remus responded.

"Cheers," Sirius mumbled gulping down the majority of his coffee before standing up and leaving.

Remus sat in the almost empty great hall and he was thankful. It was silent. There was no buzz of chatter both in the room and within his own skull. He wasn't fighting himself over how he felt. It was liberating.

**Hello everyone, thank you for reading my first Remus x Lily fic. Thank you for all the reviews. If you liked this story, you can look forward to more in the future. This is probably one of my favorite ships**


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